![]() Then out of this cloud of confusion a faint question curled upward. “How can I feel anything but the pain… the pain of seeing Martha slip away?” “Exactly how do you find anything but a fractured existence in this tragedy,” I complained silently. I couldn’t understand the words, yet their meaning was clear: “Carlen, you don’t have to settle for this fractured existence being dished out by Alzheimer’s.” Leo when I was praying that Alzheimer’s be lifted from Martha and our family. ![]() Lacy Harwell conveyed to me between sandwich bites at Demen’s Landing in St. There was the last night of my visit in Sydney with Canon Jim Glennon. There was that week in Thomas Merton’s cabin. Since then, there have been too many encounters with this presence I know as God, too many whispers within my heart for me to deny this Love’s existence, to deny her embrace. Yet it seemed impossible when I felt lost in a wilderness, chased by fear and uncertainty.įinally, through the practice of meditation- and after learning to forgive Martha, her parents, my parents, those we had hurt and who had hurt us, and equally important, to forgive myself-I began to relax. When times are good it’s easy to let the words trip off my lips: God loves me, and I love God. The harder I searched the more my heart and mind froze. Those words of caution frequently saved me as I ran down a number of rabbit trails searching for a way out of the obscure maze that had engulfed Martha and me. He cautioned me, though, should I decide to strike out in this direction: “If you remember nothing else from our conversation, Carlen, remember this: Be gentle on yourself. He told me, “This kind of search can be frustrating and challenging, even overwhelming.” Yet he quickly added, “It also could be the richest thing you ever do.” “How can I find this Love that I tasted, this wholeness?” “How can I get across this chasm?” I asked him. I met with an older friend who impressed me as being experienced in the ways of things spiritual. “How do I taste more of whatever this is-this Love? What do I need to do? How can I get across this chasm?” “I want more!” I remember crying out loud. “That’s what this tastes like, like the Love described in those accounts.” I’d read enough of the more sublime writings in the Bible, as well as those of some saints and mystics, to have a passing insight into their depictions of divine Love. “It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted,” I thought, as a peace flooded my mind and body. A drop of something fresh flowed through me. Then as I looked more closely…poof! This gulf dissolved as quickly as it had appeared.Īs it did, my mind went quiet. I peered into this abyss with my mind’s eye, longing for something to hold on to, anything. Not long after I began the practice of meditation, I felt a gulf open deep and wide between God and me. Yet somehow-don’t ask me how-that search morphed into a spiritual search for God’s love, for Martha’s healing, for a wholeness that my fractured life hadn’t experienced. I wanted to find out if there was any way to get Martha out of this thing called Alzheimer’s, the doctor’s prognosis notwithstanding. In the beginning, I went searching for a solution. If I felt anything other than numb I felt we’d been abandoned. That may be true, but long before Martha’s diagnosis I didn’t feel that love.Īnd I certainly didn’t feel any love when Martha and I got the news regarding Alzheimer’s. ![]() So much so that he gave his son for me and the world. It had been built from what I’d heard others say they believed: my parents, grandparents, preachers, acquaintances, peers, friends, religious authors, writers of the Bible.įor much of my life I’d heard that God loves me. You see, the belief I carried into adulthood was a rather fabricated one. Īfter all we’ve been through you may be wondering, Carlen at 40, why I still believe in God.Īt least not in the way that I did for most of my life. For starters, this conversation would be impossible had the tough lessons we discussed in recent weeks not been learned: First, to forgive yourself and others as quickly as you can and second, to be quiet and still.
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