For example, see the following code:Įdit C:\Dev\apache-jmeter-5.1.1\bin\jmeter.bat rem set HEAP=-Xms1g -Xmx1g -XX:MaxMetaspaceSize=256m set HEAP=-Xms5g -Xmx5g -XX:MaxMetaspaceSize=1g Increase the JVM heap size for Apache JMeter by changing the corresponding JVM parameters in the jmeter.bat file located in the Apache JMeter /bin folder.jar file to JMeter’s /lib/ext The Apache Plugins Manager enables additional crucial functionality in Apache JMeter for benchmark testing (such as Ultimate Thread Group). jar file to JMeter’s /lib When setting up the JDBC connection in the JMeter GUI, use .Driver as the driver class name). Download the Redshift JDBC driver and add the driver.zip file from the Apache JMeter download page. Connect via RDP to the Windows EC2 Instance ( RDP for macOS can be downloaded from Apple’s App Store).Launch a Windows EC2 instance using a Windows Server AMI (such as Microsoft Windows Server 2019 Base).To install Apache JMeter on a Windows EC2 machine, complete the following steps: You can run it on Windows and a number of different Linux/UNIX systems for this post we run it in a Windows environment. Apache JMeterĪpache JMeter is an open-source load testing application written in Java that you can use to load test web applications, backend server applications, databases, and more. I highly recommend you take advantage of that benefit by reaching out to your AWS account SA. Analytics Specialists Solutions Architects such as myself frequently and happily engage with current and prospective customers to help you evaluate your benchmarking strategy and approach at no charge. One final point before we get started: there is a lot that could be said about benchmarking-more than can be accommodated in a single post. In this post, we discuss benchmarking Amazon Redshift with the Apache JMeter open-source tool. However, best practices for using these tools are scarce, possibly resulting in flawed compute profiles, flawed benchmark results, customer frustration, or bloated timelines.Īs mentioned, this series is divided into multiple installments, with the first installment discussing general best practices for benchmarking, and the subsequent installments discussing the strengths and challenges with different open-source tools such as SQLWorkbench, psql, and Apache JMeter. Open-source tools, with their cost-efficiency and vendor neutrality, are often the preferred choice for profiling your production workloads and benchmark tests. In addition, you may also use benchmark tests to proactively monitor a production cluster’s performance in real time.įor prospective Amazon Redshift customers, benchmarking Amazon Redshift is often one of the main components of evaluation and a key source of insight into the price-to-performance ratio of different Amazon Redshift configurations. Existing Amazon Redshift customers also desire an approach to scale up with eyes wide open, and benchmarking different Amazon Redshift cluster configurations against various production workloads can help you appropriately accommodate workload expansion. As a reminder of why benchmarking is important, Amazon Redshift allows you to scale storage and compute independently, and for you to choose an appropriately balanced compute layer, you need to profile the compute requirements of various production workloads. In the introductory post of this series, we discussed benchmarking benefits and best practices common across different open-source benchmarking tools. Updated April 2021 to offer more Apache JMeter tips, and highlight some capabilities in the newer version of Apache JMeter.
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Others are designed to sell more, generate leads, etc. What does the campaign seek to accomplish? Some campaigns create awareness.Who does the campaign target? Is it children? Is it teenagers, marketing executives, IT experts, or fellow companies in the same line of business?. The 4 Ws and 1H stand for who, what, where, when, and how? These are questions marketers should ask when developing a direct mail strategy. Marketers use what we call the 4Ws and 1H. Generally, every direct mail campaign starts with a goal. Develop a strategy, identify the end goals, and determine what metrics are essential to success. Increasing awareness about their products and servicesīut how do you tell the difference between a successful strategy and a failed one? First things first, there must be a strategy to track.Your direct mail campaign will always revolve around the customer journey and sales funnel. They also increased saved dunning accounts by 17% and grew user retention by 21.6%. Trigger-based and personalized mailings reduced the churn rates of new monthly signups by 23.4%. They integrated Inkit's automated direct mail with Marketo to improve new monthly signups, annual renewals, and dunning accounts. Case 2: Retention Direct Mail Marketing Campaign by BombBombīombBomb, a video messaging cloud-based platform, launched a direct mail marketing campaign as a part of the cross-channel strategy. They saw a 17.6% increase in new users, 6.5% more invitations accepted, and a 15.7% decrease in churn. To evaluate the campaign, Asana measured new user visitations, accepted invitations, and churn rates. They decided to try an alternative engagement channel since customers were tired of emails and online communications. Case 1: Welcome Postcards for AsanaĪsana partnered with Inkit to launch a welcome postcard campaign. Let's see how two companies created perfect direct mail campaigns and significantly raised their revenue. They track and measure the desired metrics to determine the impact of their campaigns. Some pursue more customers others channel great effort towards revenue generation others believe in awareness, etc. Direct Mail Campaign Examples With Measurable ResultsĮvery company has its unique definition of success. Learn how to measure the impact of a direct mail campaign in our post. These metrics help marketers evaluate a direct mail marketing campaign and accurately pinpoint what works and what doesn't. If you're not measuring the impact of your direct mail campaign, you're missing out on the critical KPIs (direct mail marketing ROI, response rate, retention rate - and many others) that show the actual performance. Number of actual buying customers at the end of the campaign.Number of leads extracted from the campaign.In other words, measuring the performance of a direct mail marketing campaign involves an analysis of specific metrics tied to the success (or failure) of a particular campaign. Direct mail response rates are 5 to 9 times higher than any digital marketing channel, but how do you know if it works for your business? The impact of a marketing campaign is about numbers. The stackable tote’s spacious interior features a sturdy full steel rebar system, which has the capability of carrying up to 40 pounds of weight. Available in a variety of sizes, colours, and designs, these tote bags are perfect for storing everything from your seasonal décor to wardrobes, bedding, toys, and more. One of TSC’s favourite OrganizeMe items is the brand’s popular (and for good reason) pop-up tote bags. Home organization is key to living a happier, healthier, and more productive lifestyle. From collapsible storage ottomans to convertible sofa beds to key, closet, and shoe organizers, you’ll find everything you need to live life efficiently. Live your life productively with OrganizeMe, available to you here at TSC!ĭiscover contemporary and space-saving furniture and accessories at OrganizeMe. Smart, effective, and stylish solutions that are designed to help you quickly organize and secure your belongings. Ĭall or text us at 20 or make an appointment. Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program. LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. I personally am a coalition member of theirs and have had positive experiences! They are knowledgeable and understanding. Visit with any legal issues that you may get into while discovering fettlife. Two people can be engaged in the same exact behavior (one partner getting off to the foot fetish – feeling that it is pleasurable and empowering, while for the other person it can be experienced as abusive or troubling (the other partner perhaps). People who have a fetish for feet NEED feet to be there to climax, for example. Please know that you have the right to consensual sexual behavior is neither inherently negative nor pathological between adults, unless shown to be otherwise…įun fact: A fetish is something you have to have in order to complete orgasm. Make sure you practice safety, integrity, radical honesty, and erring on the side of CAUTION! They are still going to be strangers on the internet at first, so practice discretion. You don’t even have to use your actual name! Your “role” in kink (such as submissive, Rigger, bottom, Dominant, masochist, etc).ĭo not put provocative or face photos until you know what you are doing.Gender – identify how you are comfortable.Nickname – don’t use the name you usually use!.IMPORTANT MUST KNOWS WHEN MAKING A PROFILE: When you go to the website, you will see you have to make a login. Local community events on can help you feel like you are KIND of part of a family though. The reason for this is because there is still a notion that people who are kinky have a history of “abuse,” therefore, you may get questioned as to why you want to join. Treat fetishes, kink, and sexuality mindfully, comprehensively, and with respect. Like regular Facebook, isn’t really something to be afraid of. Just because you know what fettlife is doesn’t make you part of the community. It appears evidently NSFW (or Not Safe For Work) from the first moment you lay eyes on “Fettlife.” The back of the website is black and the headlines are in red coloring! I immediately imagine the horror that they must feel asking.į (sometimes misspelled fettlife) is a website that is essentially known as “Facebook for Kinky people.” Just so you know, my brand is “The Sex Healer,” and I also own a private practice, called Life Coaching and Therapy, where we hold a sex-positive perspective at. Fettlife – The Truth About Fetlife Accounts!Īs a certified sex therapist, I often get asked “what is fettlife ?” It's compact size makes it easy to throw in your camera bag and take it wherever you go for your next interview, on location news report, documentary, video blog, podcast, corporate video, video tutorial, or speech. The Parrot Teleprompter provides interviewers and talent alike with an easy-to-read script in a simple, lightweight, affordable package that uses any smartphone. It's innovative design removes all the unnecessary components which allows you to mount the Parrot teleprompter directly to a standard DSLR or digital camcorder lens. It uses the same 70/30 beam splitter glass used by high-end teleprompters and is compatible with most smartphones. What’s the difference between Padcaster Parrot Teleprompter, PromptSmart, and Teleprompt+ 3 Compare Padcaster Parrot Teleprompter vs. Learn more about the Parrot PT-ParrotV2 Type, Teleprompter Kit Features, Super compact prompter designed to work with your phone and almost any camera. Attach the teleprompter directly to the lens filter thread. The Parrot Pro fits any smartphone or monitor up to 6.25 inches wide and 5.13 inches deep, and now supports wide lenses up to 24mm on full frame cameras. The Parrot teleprompter is a professional quality teleprompter at an affordable price that still delivers a professional quality experience.Combined with virtually any smartphone, the Parrot teleprompter will take any script and scroll it in front of you so you no longer need to worry about what to say on camera. The parrot teleprompter takes pride in its portability and affordability. 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We have created art that looks terrible because of this problem. Free texture packer - sprite sheets for games and sites Free texture packer 0.6. You can recreate it and you can see it happening.ĩ0% of my game has artifacts that shouldn’t be there. I really do not understand why you see no problem with my report. Now do you understand why it is super important to fix this issue that is created ONLY by texturepacker and not by importing one by one the sprites of that texture sheet? We either run out of VRAM or we use bi linear to hide some of the artifacts that compression creates. The only way to “win” back some of that is to use bi linear. Works with any game engine, including: Download TexturePacker7.0.2 for Windows Also available for macOS and Linux Pack your sprite sheets in seconds Use TexturePacker to create sprite sheets from your images. With that setting we wouldn’t need anything but the “default”, but we are forced to use the default compression of ue4 resulting in great quality loss. TexturePacker Create sprite sheets and optimize your game graphics. We simply cannot use the uncompressed method because of the texture size that is 16.5mb for a 2048x2048. It is vital for our games.Īnother reason has to do with texture compression. What i was saying earlier is that us paper2d guys need the bi linear options. The images are part of a texture atlas (created with texturePacker) so there is a sprite sheet and an. Please test the single png example i gave you and if it does not create any artifacts when using bilinear please report this as a bug because it has destroyed my game. I need to see this fixed before i go any deeper. Without it everything appears pixelated and flickers.Also some games benefit from the “soft” look.Īlso if you do not use bilinear there is another issue with unreal that makes rendering jittery. You are literally telling me to import all pngs one by one if i do not want artifacts.Īnd yes there is a reason why we need bi linear for 2d games especially when you change the FOV. If you import the single chest png that i gave you and set it to bilenear it does not create any artifacts, does it? Then why it does so on every texturepacker export? This is not standard and expected behavior. I would partially agree with you that this would be an non issue if it occurred for single sprites as well. It is for ALL sheets exported from texturepacker. This is not on this specific texture sheet. is an HTML5 tool for creating, packing, and modifying sprite sheets and texture atlases. The TexturePacker class is in the gdx-tools project. If you are using Scene2d Skins, you probably already use Skin Composer and can use its user-friendly interface to add your textures to the Skin’s atlas. If you prefer to pack your textures using a GUI, you can use Texture Packer GUI. Top 10 1.19.2 PVP TEXTUREPACKS Minecraft Texturepack Showcase M4DBOY 276K views 11 months ago Swapping Hands to SCAM This SMP Rasplin 2.1M views 9 months ago How to PVP like CLOWNPIERCE. Pick and choose your favorite resource packs. They can modify the textures, audio and models. It also uses brute force, packing with numerous heuristics at various sizes and then choosing the most efficient result. Minecraft resource packs customize the look and feel of the game. Originally posted by dacap: Hi ROG/Serp, first you will need a transparent layer. gamedev channel image unity game-development image-processing unrealengine texturepacker unreal-engine rgba texture-pack texture-mapping texture-merge. TexturePacker uses multiple packing algorithms but the most important is based on the maximal rectangles algorithm. TexturePacker is a tool that specializes in creating sprite sheets. Software to merge (or pack) textures into image channels, producing one image with up to four textures. It stores the locations of the smaller images so they are easily referenced by name in your application using the TextureAtlas class. libGDX has a TexturePacker class which is a command line application that packs many smaller images on to larger images. Binding the texture is relatively expensive, so it is ideal to store many smaller images on a larger image, bind the larger texture once, then draw portions of it many times. In OpenGL, a texture is bound, some drawing is done, another texture is bound, more drawing is done, etc. Set the ouput filename if the automatically generated one does not please you. Adjust the audiobooks metadata and add a cover file. sort, rename, remove or add chapters as you wish. If no tags are found, file information is guessed from the filename.ģ. The files id3tags are read automatically. click "Add", mark all soundfiles that should be includes in the book, additional files can be added later. For the command line interface, run "m4baker -h" in a terminal.Ģ. start "m4baker" from the "Applications-> Sound & Video" Menu. If enough harddisk space (700MB per CD) is availible, i suggest ripping to. Once m4baker is installed, rip your audibook cd using your favorite software. Skip this step if the audiobook CD is already ripped. checkinstall and build-essential can be uninstalled as they are not needed anymore. It is now save to remove the downloaded tarballs and the created directories. Sudo checkinstall python setup.py install Sudo aptitude install build-essential checkinstall mpeg4ip-utils sox faac python-qt4 libsox-fmt-all Install the dependencies, on ubuntu 10.04 lucid run: vlc, so you wont need kde and it integrates nicely into every Desktop. M4Baker is NOT a KDE but a Qt-app like e.g. Python, sox, faac, mp4v2 (inclusive utils, i.e mp4chaps and mp4tags) pyqt and Qtįor the CLI mode please use version 0.1.2 since it was removed in 0.1.90 * split audiobooks into parts automaticallyĪs this program is primary for educational purposes, any suggestions and critics regarding my code are very welcome. * sort input files by filename or id3-tag (tracknumber) * support for many different input file types * add cover picture from various filetypes It is based on my python-based tool M4Baker:Ī simple tool for creating ipod-compatible, full-featured m4b-audiobooks. Portable - just sfx archive - unpack to any place.ĭownload: AudioBookConverter-All-Users-6.1.2.msi (89.0 MB)ĭownload: AudioBookConverter-Single-User-6.1.2.msi (89.0 MB)ĭownload: AudioBookConverter-Portable-6.1.2.zip (84.6 MB)Īll other trademarks are the property of their respective owners.This guide is intended to show how to create m4b audiobook files, complete with chapter markers, cover, tags and iPod-compatible. Single User - install for current user only Improved tags support according to MP4 specification.įixed tags encoding issues due caused by legacy MP3 problems.įixed tags encoding issues with non-latin characters.Īdded MP4V2 to support media for m4b (due to existing issue in ffmpegĪll Users - requires admin privileges to install Improved (both speed and quality) of mp3 decoding due to switch to ffmpeg from java based decoder. Parallel conversion of queue of several books. Performance improved form 5 to 15x times (depending on numbers of cores), old version of Faac replaced with fresh FFMpeg.Īdded super-fast mode of parallel encoding of MP3 files.Īdded Artwork support, smart combination of MP3 images and all images in MP3 folders.Īdded Chapters support, based on MP3 files. Simple and lightweight user interface: Convert a book with few clicks Instant playback: listen what you are going to encode Unicode tags support: keep tags in own languageĪdvanced chapters support: combining multiple mp3 into chapter, re-import existing chapters from existing m4a/m4b, loading chapters information from mp3 or cue files.įlexible quality management: find balance between size and quality Smart artwork support: combined from MP3 artwork and cover files from MP3 directory Parallel processing of conversions queue: prepare next book while encoding another Parallel encoding: more cores - faster results MP3 to M4B Audio Book Converter main features: AudioBookConverter runs only on Windows 64-bit. Use all available cores of your PC for maximum performance. Smart enhancement of audiobook with art work loaded from MP3 files or scanning audiobook folder for cover images. Create chapters for hassle-free navigation. Combine multiple MP3 files into a single file for seamless listening. Use iPhone Audiobook features (bookmarks, autosave position, art-work, chapters). Convert mp3 to Audiobook M4B file extension MPEG-4 Audio Book file. Convert audiobooks from MP3 to M4B format mostly known as iPod and iPhone audiobook format. Upgraded AudioBookConverter application based on software MP3 to iPod/iPhone Audio Book Converter (mp3 to m4b converter) and could be used as Audio Converter tool. *The use of slang terms for moustaches in this post is not meant as derogatory commentary on what we consider to be a pinnacle of sophisticated culture. Jan Joseph Godfried baron van Voorst tot Voorst (December 29, 1880-November 11, 1963) was the second highest officer in command of the Dutch armed forces during World War II and a renowned strategist, who wrote numerous articles and books on modern warfare. 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Examples include the male peacock’s splendid tail feathers, the bright colors of male birds and reef fish, and the evolution of horns in dears, beetles, and lizards.įemale Mexican mollies prefer 70’s porn staches. Female choice drives the elaboration of male traits. The rise of mullets and Camaros in the 80’s can be blamed on women. No matter how ludicrous, expensive, or time-consuming it may be, we will do it. We will do anything if we think females will find it attractive. QQQ Porn reserves the right to make additions, deletions, or modification to the contents on the Website at any time without prior notice.Ĭopyright © 2023, all rights reserved.From Schlupp, I., Riesch, R., Tobler, M., Plath, M., Parzefall, J., & Schartl, M. In no event shall QQQ Porn be liable for any special, direct, indirect, consequential, or incidental damages or any damages whatsoever, whether in an action of contract, negligence or other tort, arising out of or in connection with the use of the Website or the contents of the Website. Accordingly, to the extent permitted by applicable law, we exclude all express or implied warranties, terms and conditions including, but not limited to, implied warranties of content, fitness for a particular purpose, and non-infringement. Terms of service: You agree that you are making use of our services at your own risk, and that they are being provided to you on an 'AS IS' and 'AS AVAILABLE' basis. We do our best to delete links to inappropriate content expeditiously, when it is reported. to remove a link and a thumbnail from the Website please use report button (gray X at the bottom of every video).to remove a physical video file please contact the site owner where the content is hosted.If you find inappropriate content that you believe should be removed (illegal content, copyright infringement or dead links): We do not own, produce, host or upload any videos displayed on this website, we only link to them. Indexing process is completely automated. QQQ Porn / has a zero-tolerance policy against illegal pornography.ĭisclaimer: QQQ Porn (the Website) is a search engine, it only searches for porn tube movies.Īll links and thumbnails displayed on the Website are automatically added by our crawlers. All models on this website are 18 years or older. Another budgeting factor to consider: since you won’t have to buy a box spring, you can take what you would’ve spent there and put it towards the platform bed!īefore you choose a platform bed, be sure to measure your bedroom to know what size will fit. For more budget-friendly styles, however, consider online retailers like Amazon and Wayfair-they'll have larger selections to choose from. If you're looking for investment pieces, there are multiple retailers that offer customizable options. Luckily, there are tons of designs to choose from, so you're sure to find one within your budget. Don't forget to consider your mattress type, too-some bed frames can only accommodate specific types, so it's important to know what you're using.īed frames can be anywhere from $150 to $1,500 (and up) so knowing your price range is helpful in choosing a style. While you're certainly not tied to any specific styles, a wood design would pair well with a farmhouse look while industrial accents would work with a metal frame. To start, consider your furniture, decorative accents, and bedding. There are tons of platform bed options out there, so determining your décor style is key in narrowing down the selection. For a budget-friendly option, we suggest the Zinus Alexis Wood Platform Bed ( view at Amazon) for its versatile style and fuss-free frame. Overall, we recommend Thuma's The Bed ( view at Thuma) for its timeless design, materials, and its no-tool assembly. Here, the best platform beds on the market today. So no matter your aesthetic-mid-century or retro, bohemian or traditional, industrial or farmhouse-there are so many stunning options to choose from. Though platform beds have a generally more modern look, they are surprisingly versatile given their range of materials and styles. If you're looking for a platform bed, you’ve got quite a few styles to choose from. “Platform beds tend to have a firmer sleep experience, though that does appeal to many people.” “Clients are particular about how they like to sleep, and most often, they prefer the traditional combination of box spring and mattress,” says interior designer Kendall Wilkinson. That said, there’s quite a lot to consider before deciding to trade your box spring for a platform. Since most mattresses aren’t as heavy and thick as they used to be when you were a kid (hello, memory foam!), platform beds have become increasingly popular in recent years. Platform beds are a low-profile alternative to traditional bed frames, eliminating the need for a bulky box spring by providing a durable solid base or slat system to support your mattress. This sand bank is the best option for swimming, though throughout the area, the water is choppy. Here, the northern section of the beach is accessible to the public and is basically just a sandy bank flanked on both sides by the sea, leading toward a large, climbable rock - a popular photo-op. A third section of the beach lies just through the greenery, down a sandy path. This area is raised, giving guests uninterrupted views of the ocean, fishing pelicans, and crashing waves. But behind the restaurant and in front of the Sea View rooms, the beach is traded for grass, and loungers for benches facing out to sea. Here guests can be found sunbathing on loungers, sipping drinks under personal palapas, or walking the shoreline. Located along a rocky coastline, El Pez is naturally up against wild and rugged scenery, plump mangroves, and white-tipped waves, but it’s also got a super-soft private beach area starting in front of the Tulum Beach House and La Casa sections of the hotel. There are a few different beach experiences at El Pez Colibri Boutique Hotel. Or, guests can stay under one roof in The Tulum Beach House, a beautiful and spacious, two-story, three-bedroom wooden and glass building with its own full kitchen, large wooden terrace, and barbecue. These rooms can also be rented out individually, but that comes without access to the common area. Built as a collection of Seaview and Seafront Rooms, the La Casa section of the hotel has completely separate rooms as well as a large beachfront common space with a living room, flat-screen TV, and full kitchen. Most rooms lack TVs. Luxury rooms have a bit more style in their decor and feel slightly less sparse than regular rooms.įor small groups or families, El Pez has interconnected apartments at the La Casa section of the hotel and its modern three-bedroom Tulum Beach House. Amenities include 24-hour electricity (not a given in Tulum), air-conditioning, beach totes packed with towels, safes, free Wi-Fi, bottled water, and organic toiletries. They also have a furnished private terrace either outfitted with a lounger and a pair of chairs or a beach chair and a hammock. Most rooms have simple but colorful decor with traditionally embroidered pillows, candles, streamlined wooden furniture, and exposed wood beams. See MoreĪll of El Pez’s 19 rooms are kept cool with light-colored walls, either concrete or tile floors, and wooden-slat shutters that can allow the natural ocean breeze into the rooms. The grounds are a mixture of beachside and grassy garden spots with views of the ocean, fishing birds, and breaking waves. Guests and staff are laid back, friendly, and social enough to strike up small talk. This opens onto a large, grassy backyard area with a wooden deck, white picnic tables, and a rocky coastline. The lobby's tropical-colored walls, thatch-roof, and pillows in teal and lime green mix with shabby-chic armchairs, distressed wooden and wicker furniture, vases full of fresh flowers, and an antique phonograph. On-site, the vibe here is New-England-seaside-meets-Mexican-flair. This spots advantage? There are no immediate neighbors to the left, giving El Pez's guests far-reaching sea views, a small island-like area with large climbable rocks, and fantastic sunrises, and bonus of security. Separated by a thin, beach-less and rocky shoreline, hotels on this southern most section of the strip are in a semi-restricted area with an entrance controlled by police inspection (though for the most part the only impact on tourists is reducing speed over the area's speed bumps). El Pez Colibri Boutique Hotel is the first hotel along a second stretch of Tulum beach hotels. Then out of this cloud of confusion a faint question curled upward. “How can I feel anything but the pain… the pain of seeing Martha slip away?” “Exactly how do you find anything but a fractured existence in this tragedy,” I complained silently. I couldn’t understand the words, yet their meaning was clear: “Carlen, you don’t have to settle for this fractured existence being dished out by Alzheimer’s.” Leo when I was praying that Alzheimer’s be lifted from Martha and our family. Lacy Harwell conveyed to me between sandwich bites at Demen’s Landing in St. There was the last night of my visit in Sydney with Canon Jim Glennon. There was that week in Thomas Merton’s cabin. Since then, there have been too many encounters with this presence I know as God, too many whispers within my heart for me to deny this Love’s existence, to deny her embrace. Yet it seemed impossible when I felt lost in a wilderness, chased by fear and uncertainty.įinally, through the practice of meditation- and after learning to forgive Martha, her parents, my parents, those we had hurt and who had hurt us, and equally important, to forgive myself-I began to relax. When times are good it’s easy to let the words trip off my lips: God loves me, and I love God. The harder I searched the more my heart and mind froze. Those words of caution frequently saved me as I ran down a number of rabbit trails searching for a way out of the obscure maze that had engulfed Martha and me. He cautioned me, though, should I decide to strike out in this direction: “If you remember nothing else from our conversation, Carlen, remember this: Be gentle on yourself. He told me, “This kind of search can be frustrating and challenging, even overwhelming.” Yet he quickly added, “It also could be the richest thing you ever do.” “How can I find this Love that I tasted, this wholeness?” “How can I get across this chasm?” I asked him. I met with an older friend who impressed me as being experienced in the ways of things spiritual. “How do I taste more of whatever this is-this Love? What do I need to do? How can I get across this chasm?” “I want more!” I remember crying out loud. “That’s what this tastes like, like the Love described in those accounts.” I’d read enough of the more sublime writings in the Bible, as well as those of some saints and mystics, to have a passing insight into their depictions of divine Love. “It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted,” I thought, as a peace flooded my mind and body. A drop of something fresh flowed through me. Then as I looked more closely…poof! This gulf dissolved as quickly as it had appeared.Īs it did, my mind went quiet. I peered into this abyss with my mind’s eye, longing for something to hold on to, anything. Not long after I began the practice of meditation, I felt a gulf open deep and wide between God and me. Yet somehow-don’t ask me how-that search morphed into a spiritual search for God’s love, for Martha’s healing, for a wholeness that my fractured life hadn’t experienced. I wanted to find out if there was any way to get Martha out of this thing called Alzheimer’s, the doctor’s prognosis notwithstanding. In the beginning, I went searching for a solution. If I felt anything other than numb I felt we’d been abandoned. That may be true, but long before Martha’s diagnosis I didn’t feel that love.Īnd I certainly didn’t feel any love when Martha and I got the news regarding Alzheimer’s. So much so that he gave his son for me and the world. It had been built from what I’d heard others say they believed: my parents, grandparents, preachers, acquaintances, peers, friends, religious authors, writers of the Bible.įor much of my life I’d heard that God loves me. You see, the belief I carried into adulthood was a rather fabricated one. Īfter all we’ve been through you may be wondering, Carlen at 40, why I still believe in God.Īt least not in the way that I did for most of my life. For starters, this conversation would be impossible had the tough lessons we discussed in recent weeks not been learned: First, to forgive yourself and others as quickly as you can and second, to be quiet and still. |